I think that my first divorce was incredibly hard on me because I never saw it coming, because she was so cold about it, and because she tore 'trust' from my chest. I guess I was mostly surprised because we didn't fight like the angry couples do in movies or on TV. Things got tight, communication slowed down, and neither one of us liked the negative tone of the marriage.
I compare that to some couples we know who call each other names, in front of their friends, and openly display the harsh edge of their relationship. I never see them hold hands or say 'sweet' things about the other. Yet, with all of that acid, they are still married. I never yelled at my ex, hit her, or abused her or her character.
So lessons learned were 1) holding in the dispute or managed-anger is very harmful to a marriage, 2) It's okay to be angry or mad at something they did, but the good marriage resolves that well, 3) and there is no perfect marriage.
This topic comes to light as I date someone else now. We really care for each other, are physically attracted to the other, and see good qualities in the other. Yet, we are so different politically, in how we deal with stress, and our general outlook on life. She can drive me to the edge of the dating cliff and, just before I fall over, we return (sometimes with effort) to a good place. That is so tiring sometimes.
What is normal? I don't want Lucy and Ricky, but I don't want Al Bundy's marriage either. I'm twisted. How much do real couples, healthy marriages, go back and forth? I wish I knew.
