I don't claim to be wise beyond others or have some deep understanding of the universe. Quite the contrary, I ache for discernment. Had I been more wise, I would be in a much different place today. More true that that would be to say, had I acted more wisely, based on what I already knew, I would be in a different place today.
I think that growing up with an undiagnosed learning disability made me really doubt myself and not have a self-motivated sense of achievement. Not having that confidence in myself made me more inclined to take the easy road when it was presented to me. The biggest example of that is when I married my first wife, a second time.
There were numerous issues that we didn't deal with and she left our first marriage for another person. She was never truthful about the facts behind that, not seeing what she did until our second marriage was coming to an end. I didn't have the clarity of vision to recognize that when we began to think we could get back together.
Wisdom, to me, is that extra step between what I want to be true and what I (think I) know to be true. Getting back with her the second time was great. We were very friendly. I was mentally and emotionally in a much better place as a single guy at that time, and any issues around our intimate times were so gone and so different. I wanted that to be the true picture. I knew that blatant lying to me during our separation and refusal to admit the depth of her affair would cause me to not have the same faith and trust in her. Without trust, love sits precariously on the edge of a precipice. And in time, love was pushed over the edge and we returned to the same place as before.
I hope that writing again about my past and my future will help me attain some bit of wisdom that I refused to listen to previously. There are hard choices ahead and I will need every bit of discernment that God has to share with me to make the hard choices and live with them.
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